I hate waking up in the morning and realizing that my family is broken and estranged. It's an awful feeling, and I don't know how to fix it. My younger brother sometimes asks my mom why I don't love him, which is gut wrenching and I don't know how he could possibly think that. And then throughout the day I'm plagued with poisonous thoughts of my older brother not loving ME, and it all snaps into focus.
I hate the fact that my older brother and I don't know a thing about each other. My worst fear is that someday he's going to get hurt, and I won't know. He's going to move, and get married, and have kids, and I won't know. He's going to die, and I won't know. I'm afraid I won't ever know.
And it's just going to get worse, because once I get out of this prison everyone around me calls home I'll never be able to scrape up enough money to come BACK. I'll be the one who got out, but I'll also be the one who can't get back.
My brother got hit by a car and I didn't know. I wasn't ever going to know, except that I was snooping around like a horrible person and saw it on his girlfriend's website. I couldn't even dredge up the guts to ask him about it. I had to ask HER, which don't get me wrong, she seems great, but there is something totally off the wall about that. I couldn't ask my BROTHER if he was okay. What the fuck is wrong with me?